1 - Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

2 - Half the people you know are below average.

3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

8 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

9 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

10 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

11 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

12 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

13 - I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

14 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

15 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

16 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

17 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

18 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

19 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.